Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Archer baby number dos

(Full Disclosure - this post is lengthy. Get your coffee / wine / sippy and settle in for story time!)

 Archer baby dos at 12 weeks - perfect little being

Archer baby dos at 12 weeks - profile almost identical to its big brother

So I mentioned in my "thankful" post that we are expecting baby number 2 in May of next year.  So very excited to complete our family.  Bringing another child into our lives is wonderful and such a blessing but I must be honest so many mixed emotions coming this time around.

My first trimester was a doosey, to say the least.  At 6 weeks I went to the ER with stomach pain and cramping that I thought was possibly an ectopic pregnancy (i.e. GAS).  While we were there they did a few scans and we were told after waiting many hours that there were 2 babies. We were having twins.  It took us 9 months to get pregnant with O and we were initially thinking it would take us a few months to get pregs the second time around. And nope.  One month of 'trying but NOT trying' lead to me getting knocked up twice. Two separate times! There were 2 completely separate eggs fertilized each with their own sacs and placentas growing inside of me.

Hense the extreme cramping and feeling of more pain and wanting to go to bed at 7:30 every night.  

I was floored.  If I wasn't already laying in a hospital bed I probably would have either passed out or starting choking the doc.  It was a complete shock.  Here I was thinking I could be loosing a baby and you are telling me I have 2? It was nothing I had ever imagined.  All I could think about was double strollers, how would we afford them, how would I nurse 2 babes, what about Owen - would he feel completely lost and abandoned?, how could I go back to work with 3 babes in daycare?, why would God give me all this knowing I couldn't handle it. Or maybe I could.  My close friends were very supportive and motivating. Shocked but supportive and motivating.  It was a blessing, we were great parents and God knew if anyone could do it we could.  My OB was amazing and and supportive.  I was as selfish as I could be in the situation and honestly I just wanted one baby.  I said this out loud many times. But she was honest and told me, don't tell anyone until you are at least 18 weeks...really, anything can happen and this is a very sensitive time.  So in the back of my head, I know something could happen. I had known girls that this had happened to and was trying to keep an open mind until we knew either way. But during the next few weeks I came to grips with the idea.  I started to accept it as the truth.  And along with acceptance came the guilt. Guilt for feeling selfish and scared.  So many ladies I knew with fertility troubles and multiple miscarriages. My heart broke for all of them and here I was with 2 babes. How does this happen?

And just when I really started to believe this all might be my reality I woke up the Monday of my 8th week and had bleeding.  And I knew we had to get to the doc immediately. After many phone calls and getting to work and literally getting in the car and going to the hospital I was there getting my scan to see what was going on.  Both babes were there, but one was showing at 6 weeks with a strong heartbeat and one was not showing growth or a good heartbeat.  So here it was - still too early to tell, the dr said, it would be a "wait and see" kinda deal.  She said it was what was called a twin demise.  And it was early enough that my body would absorb the loss and the Baby A - that looked healthy & strong - would not be affected.  I scheduled a follow up visit in a week to come back for a scan to check on them again and see what had happened.

A week later we went to my OBs office for the scan.  There it was, one healthy beautiful baby, heart just fluttering away.  Baby A = check.  On to find baby B.  Holding my breath it felt like eons until they found it. Baby B was there but no sizeable growth of the fetus, no heartbeat registering.  It was miscarrying.  The radiologist confirmed it was a twin demise.  I burst into tears. Tears of loss and sadness and tears of relief and guilt.  Guilt that I was relieved.  She was supportive and kind and I knew there was nothing I had done to make this happen.  I had every right to cry as this had been such an emotional roller coaster in just 8 short weeks.

Now we are at 18 weeks and Friday is our scan to see if we are having another precious boy or entering the whole new world of sweet, sassy girls.  I am very excited.  Was feeling boy, but now I just don't know. Every time you ask O if he is having a baby brother or baby sister he says baby sister. So we shall see!

I still think about our lost baby and when I share the news of our pregnancy I have a hard time not talking about the one that isn't with us.  Just 6 or so weeks growing inside me and it had a profound effect on me. My doctors have since talked more in detail with me about the demise and I hope and think I have dealt with my feelings so that nothing comes after I deliver baby dos, but if so I will deal with them as they come.  But I am truly thankful. Thankful that I have such a wonderful husband, who couldn't have been more excited at the idea of having twins, amazing parents and in-laws and friends who called to check on me and were there to listen and offer support daily. Thankful that I still have one healthy to come into our lives.  I know they will be forever changed.

I wrote this mostly for me - So I could go back and read when I couldn't remember details or to just rehash old feelings and such - so much happens during a pregnancy and it can be so hard to remember those little details. But sometimes it's not hard at all.  

I am so excited for Friday and can't wait to start planning for this little one! 


Jessie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jessie said...

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I know the heartache and wish I could give you a big hug! I am very excited for your growing family and I know O will make an awesome big brother! xo

Abby said...

Thanks, Jessie. xo